Psychotherapist Esther Perel has quite a reputation, especially in the relationship space. The New York Times bestselling author has written the popular books The State of Affairs, Mating in Captivity, and more—and she's explored a wide range of topics, from sex and infidelity to relationships in general.
Additionally, her podcast "Where Should We Begin?" is extremely high-rated and has a wide range of listeners. In short: She's full of wisdom. So let these 50 quotes inspire you to improve and accept your relationships.
“Marriage is imperfect. We start with a desire for oneness, and then we discover our differences. Our fears are aroused by the prospect of all the things we’re never going to have.”
1. “Is jealousy an expression of love or a sign of insecurity?”
2. “We ground ourselves in familiarity, and perhaps achieve a peaceful domestic arrangement, but in the process we orchestrate boredom.”
3. “When our ability to consider and understand the feelings of others decreases, our relationships suffer.”
4. “There is no greater source of joy and meaning in our lives than our relationships with others.”
5. “Instead of looking to the other to meet your needs, if you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.”
6. “We are most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain.”
7. “When you love someone, how does it feel? And when you desire someone, how is it different? Does good intimacy always lead to good sex?”
8. “Trust is the active engagement with the unknown. Trust is risky. It’s vulnerable. It’s a leap of faith.”
9. “Flirting is about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill.”
10. “There is no greater source of joy and meaning in our lives than our relationships with others.”
11. “Behind every criticism is a veiled wish.”
12. “Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure, and commitment offers one of the great luxuries of life: time. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the beginning.”
13. Our partner's sexuality does not belong to us. It isn't just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction.”
14. “The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.”
15. “Is jealousy an expression of love or a sign of insecurity?”
16. “No woman should give any man the power to shatter her romantic ideals.”
17. “The swiping culture lures us with infinite possibilities, but it also exerts a subtle tyranny. The constant awareness of ready alternatives invites unfavorable comparisons, weakens commitment, and prevents us from enjoying the present moment.”
18. “Marriage is imperfect. We start with a desire for oneness, and then we discover our differences. Our fears are aroused by the prospect of all the things we’re never going to have.”
19. “Love is an exercise in selective perception.”
20. “Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm.”
21. “Being chosen by the one you chose is one of the glories of falling in love. It generates a feeling of intense personal importance. ‘I matter. You confirm my significance.’"
22. “When we trade passion for stability, are we not merely swapping one fantasy for another?”
23. “Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.”
24. “Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm.”
25. “Kitchen-sinking’ is a pattern many couples fall into when they argue. When every past grievance is piled on—the dirty dishes—no one will solve a thing.”
26. “Eventually, if desire withers, monogamy too easily slides downward into celibacy. When this happens, fidelity becomes a weakness rather than a virtue.”
27. “Eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature.”
28. “In the aftermath of an affair, I often tell a couple: Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”
29. “Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is man's language of intimacy.”
30. “Romantics value intensity over stability. Realists value security over passion. But both are often disappointed, for few people can live happily at either extreme.”
31. “Often, when one partner insists that they don’t yet feel acknowledged, even as the one who hurt them insists they feel terrible, it is because the response is still more shame than guilt, and therefore self-focused.”
32. “In fact, dependence is an essential ingredient of connection. But it’s a producer of terrific anxiety, because it implies that the one we love wields power over us. This is the power to love us, but also to abandon us.”
33. "Monogamy used to mean one person for life. Now monogamy means one person at a time.”
34. “Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.”
35. “To understand trust, you have to understand distrust. To understand fidelity, you have to understand infidelity.”
36. “Befriending our bodies and making peace with them is the beginning of one of the best relationships we can ever have: the relationship with ourselves."
37. "Couples may show only a specific side of their life in public—usually, the happy one. You’re seeing only the good moments that someone has chosen to show. What you don’t see: the bickering, the blow-out arguments, or the boring nights spent at home."
38. “Eroticism challenges us to seek a different kind of resolution, to surrender to the unknown and ungraspable, and to breach the confines of the rational world.”
39. “Sometimes I learn something about you because you tell me: Your history, your family, your life before we met. But just as often my understanding comes from watching you, intuiting, and making associations.”
40. "In uncertainty lies the seed of waiting."
41. “Adultery is often the revenge of the deserted possibilities.”
42. “The more we trust, the farther we are able to venture.”
43. “We seek connection, predictability, and dependability to root us firmly in place. But we also have a need for change, for the unexpected, for transcendence.”
44. "Sometimes I learn something about you because you tell me: Your history, your family, your life before we met. But just as often my understanding comes from watching you, intuiting, and making associations.”
45. "A couple’s emotional life together and their physical life together each have their ebbs and flows, their ups and downs, but these don’t always correspond. They intersect, they influence each other, but they’re also distinct.”
46. “So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity.”
47. “Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.”
48. “Trust is the active engagement with the unknown. Trust is risky. It’s vulnerable. It’s a leap of faith.”
49. “When our ability to consider + understand the feelings of others decreases, our relationships suffer.”
50. “Self-confidence and self-acceptance increase with age. Both help us claim our desire and feel entitled to it.”
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